Tuesday, 13 March 2012


I do apologize for my being a bit absent. I did say that this blog wasn't going to get too personal as my previous blog but I think every now and again it's okay. 

I've just really started to miss home a little bit. It's crazy to me that I haven't been to Arkansas in a year. I'm secretly missing the nature and how beautiful Arkansas can be this time of the year leading up to Summer. Missing home didn't help when my mom went to get a mole removed and the told her it was pretty serious. She has Melanoma a form of skin cancer. Oh that c word cuts you like a knife. There I was facing the computer screen across from my mother as she's fighting the tears to try and say the words. All I really want to do is jump through that screen and hug her and tell her it will be ok. I know most of you are thinking skin cancer is one of the most treatable and so many people have it and survive it every single day, but let me tell you those statistics and facts about everyone else don't really mean anything when your looking at your mother through a computer screen 4 thousand odd miles away and she says these words to you. Then the fact that I can't physically actually fly to see her because of my passport at the moment I feel a great big wave of anxiety that makes me feel very uncomfortable that if heaven fore bid it wasn't going to be okay. There is nothing I could do. It was always going to be okay though. She underwent her surgery and they took out some lymph nodes. She was bed ritten for a week and now is slowly but surely walking again. She's gone back to work and all though she feels uncomfortable she's alright. It seems so simple now. You understand what people were saying all though you felt the world was against your worries. 

On top of that I've been skyping with my best friend from home Kaitlyn each week. Boy did I forget how much I missed that girl. Idont really think I forgot I just tried not to think about it. Typical. Hide things and it's like it's not there. When in fact it doesn't go away. I miss our relationship and just how simple things were with her. I forgot how much I laugh when we were together. Thank goodness you can still laugh on skype. 

I've been reavaluating my life and I kind of let myself go for a minute there. Not in the sense where you eat a whole jar of peanut butter and make cookies just so you can eat the dough kind of let yourself go. Or maybe I did. It's so easy to see the negative side of things and just dwell on what could be. Nothing deserved comes easy though my friends so I put the spoon down. Put my trainers on and have started going back to the gym. I have been working on some stuff that I can't quite share with you just yet but as soon as things are in full swing I will fill you in on that exciting little piece of hope that has picked me off the couch. Also Pam, Gemma and I have been spending lots of time together. Maybe this little filled secret has something to do with the three of us? Or maybe not. I've really enjoyed spending time with the both of them and really glad that Gemma and I have gotten to know each other even more. Over time you realise that sometimes what you've been looking for is right in front of you.
 You want certain friendships to work and wished all friendships were like How I Met Your Mother. Or at least I do. I miss simplistic friendships from home and have wondered why I haven't found that many here. It's probably because I was looking so hard that I over passed someone that was not only family but also a really great friend. I think with our different schedules and lifestyles kind of made us over look it. Don't get me wrong I've always known we had a special bond. Especially if she still stuck around with me after a drunken night of me telling my whole life story on my hen do in Amsterdam. Literally whole life story. Snooze.  I selfishly have taken advantage of the fact she lives literally only down the road and she is such a genuine friend. A number of events have led us to hang out more often lately and it's been fantastic. I always wanted brothers or sisters when I was a kid because I didn't want my children to go without a blood related aunt or uncle. I never thought it would be the same. My opinions have changed now. 

I think that I often think that things are supposed to just happen without hard work. Ignorance maybe? See I thought by the time I was 24 I'd have some big important job, married and probably even kids? Now that I'm married I felt almost that I am unsuccessful and I've let not only myself down but my husband. (before going any further I would like to note that the kids thing is not something we are wanting now or even next year but when your say 16, 24 seems like such an adult age.) I thought that once married things would just fall into place. It's hard trying to discover yourself when you don't know what direction to look. When you find love young you look at others and look how successful their lives are. I forget though that the people that I look up to on the same level of something that I would like to be doing are no where near my age and they are just beginning to become succesful. Those that are near my age have had more of a financial resource than we have and I need to take all these things into account. Also you can't judge your life compared to others.  Instead of wondering why things aren't happening. Bloody go out and do them. Rest assured that it's much harder said than done but it must be done. Must. 

On the friend note I would like to say Dear Emma H if you are reading this. I wish you also lived closer. Poop on you. :) 

Without further ado let's get back to blogging. Possibly no more of this boring novel ramblings but more inspirational, crafty, delicious stuff. 

Hope everyone is well and thanks for sticking with me. 


  1. loved reading this post Tanja and I am so happy your Momma is getting better. I too have been feeling a lot of the above so it's nice to know we're not alone! Nearly Friday, New Girl is bound to make us happy! Love the photo too, beautiful. Take care xxx

    1. Thanks so much miss! It's nice to know we're not alone but such a shame we have to face struggles at all. I guess that is what makes life what it is though. It's a journey. Loved New Girl!! and yes my checks have baby farm animals on them BITCH. hahah xxx

  2. I wish I lived closer too believe me!! It's just not acceptable you living in stoopid Liverpool any more! Grrrr.

    Firstly really pleased your mummy is doing well, you've been through a scary time and being a million miles away doesn't help settle your mind xx

    Secondly I loved reading this post, you think and feel as deeply as I do, but sometimes we are our own worst enemies, putting so much pressure on ourselves to do more/be better etc etc...Please be assured that you are a wonderful person Tanja and good things have already come and will come again, just be patient and keep plodding on, I know it's hard. Don't be down about anything, you have already achieved so much and been far braver than most, so give yourself some credit for chasing those dreams, you just need to think of the good things to keep your mind focussed. You will get there...wherever that may be xxx

    1. I know :( boooo the distance.

      So glad mommy is better! So glad I also have friends like you who were really there for me. No matter what the distance.

      secondly, i think this is why you and i are such great friends. We get each other and I notice this a lot when we have our chats while eating marmite toast. Thanks so much for the encouragement and trying to help me in this journey. you really are such an amazing soul and I'm so grateful to have you in my life. Muches Love xox

  3. Tanja, so sorry to hear the news about your mom! I'm so relieved that it hasn't spread and that your mom is recovering well. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be so far from someone you love so much during such a difficult time. You're such a strong person to have done what you have done and continue to do, especially moving across the pond and following your heart; I have no doubt that you will get to wherever it is you want to go! :)

    1. Thanks so much darlin. It was pretty tough but I knew she would get through it. It's just hard to sit back and watch but she thankfully does have a good support system back home and Skype does help a little :). Thanks so much for the encouragement it really means a lot. :)


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